Oh my goodness.
This post may be long, but trust me, it will have good substance. I just want to start off by saying this semester has been ANYTHING but easy. I have been taking classes that demand a lot from me and those classes aren't even my major classes... they're for general education requirements. I also have been working a job during the week, and it takes 9-14 hours (depending on the week) where I could be taking more time to get ahead, study, or just spend time with myself. I am very blessed to be making money, but at the same time, it is frustrating when I cannot watch one episode of a show of my choosing, write in my journal, or just reflect on my future without thinking about how I have no time to do so. My semester would be less crazy if I didn't have my job, but it is necessary to have if I want to thrive. College is hard. I have had moments where I wondered if this is for me. I find myself breaking down, getting too overwhelmed, and complaining about my hectic schedule more times than I have wanted. When 4/5 of the classes you're taking have nothing to do with what you want to do with your life, it's hard to feel like college is what you're supposed to be doing. I've wondered what it would be like if I just dropped out, did some independent media work, and hoped for the best. Would I be successful? Would I be happy? Most importantly, would it be what God wanted for me? However, there is hope. There is always hope. Even though I have not had as much time to spend with God as I hoped for and had last year when I was a freshman, I have been able to speak to Him. I find that the times I really take advantage of Him are when I am walking to class. I usually put headphones in my ears (to make it look like I may possibly be talking to someone on the phone through the speaker) and talk aloud with God. I pray, but I also speak. I find that the times where I am struggling the most are the times where I have forgotten that He just wants to hear from me. God wants me to just talk to him like a friend, but also wants me to know that He has it all in His hands. The reason I have low points are because I am human, and I try to take things on myself. I obviously cannot do that, and I learn that EVERY TIME I make the mistake thinking that I can. I am not saying I have mastered my faith and I know everything about how a 'good christian' should look. I am not a good christian. Is there even a thing?? Nah. Christianity isn't what a lot of people think it is, despite the publicity media give it. Christianity isn't about a bunch of perfect people who have their lives together pointing at other people telling them they are going to hell because they don't believe in Jesus and because they have sex and say cuss-words. Christianity is a relationship with a loving and jealous God who wants us to love Him and His son because He sent His son to DIE for us. He died because He knows we are messed up. NEWS FLASH: I am just as messed up as anyone who doesn't know God. I try to figure out my faith everyday, and sometimes I spend more time trying to figure it out than other days. But I know that I need Him because I have seen how broken I can be, and I hate my brokenness. I come to Him so I can feel full. Trying to find fulfillment in things other can God is like drinking salt water. No matter how much you drink it, you end up thirstier than before (I read about this in a book we are reading for my small group: Jesus > Religion). What I am trying to say is that I have had a rough semester because I haven't been trusting God. I admit it. I haven't tried to talk to Him a lot about the plan He has for me. It has been hard to trust that He would truly bless me when I am going to be graduating at 21. What is a 21 year old supposed to do in the real world? What does that even look like? I just need to trust him fully, and that takes time and a LOT of prayer. I just ask if you all ever sit down to pray, just say a little prayer for me. And if you don't pray, which is fine, just keep me in your thoughts. This is a crazy time in my life filled with new responsibilities and I am ready to take it on with My God. (ALSO I will NOT be dropping out, don't worry Mom and Dad). GOOD NEWS ABOUT THIS SEMESTER:
Have a blessed day. <3
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November 2015
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